Mass Murderer On The Loose!!! Wait.....Lila?

Breaking News: In the quiet suburbs of New York, a mass murderer convict has escaped from prison and is on a rampage!!! Men, women and children are advised to bar doors and lock windows! Do not leave the safety of your home! NOWHERE IS SAFE!! The convict is accused of hundreds of grisly murders and smaller crimes that include vandalism of finished basements. The villain is a middle-aged female, with a pretty face and green eyes, about eighteen inches long, black fur and white paws, along with a white bib and paler whiskers.....wait, what? Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome toooo...Lila!

Lila was our christmas cat the December of 2007. She was received from my dad's friend from work, who was moving back to New Zealand and couldn't take her because of a misunderstanding: Even though she HAD, the vets were somehow convinced Lila hadn't had her shots and so she wasn't allowed on the plane, and it was too late to change plans, so Dad came home from work one night and greeted us, "Hi, guys! Do you want a cat?" So Lila arrived!

At first she lived in our cozy, dark basement/T.V. room/laundry room and was happy because it was twilit and warm, with plenty of places to hide. Of course, we were all over her in those first few days, and that was what she didn't like about the setup--only Mom(a cat person through and through) could coax her out of hiding for pets and cuddles. Of course, being seven, five, and three, Ben, Emma and I were hardly an appealing trio to a quiet and timid city cat adapting to her surroundings. We tried to "play" with her constantly--also known as tying some feathers, a twist tie, and a lone jingle bell to a ribbon and waving the whole torture device in her face--so you can see why she didn't like us very much initially! Over the course of a few months, I(being the animal handler in our family) was able to interact briefly with her by pretending to watch T.V. Then she would creep up and eventually end up on the couch next to me or on my lap.
                                 Then she started peeing.
No, not all over me or the couch, just in general. On the carpet, on the chair, on the pillows, the cushioned benches, the blankets, and yes on the couch actually. So what did we do? We dry cleaned the couch. We scrubbed the carpet. We washed the blankets. We took the covers off the pillows. We even took her to the vet to see if she was losing control of her bladder, she had always used the litter box before. But the vet detected nothing wrong and even suggested we feed her a different food. So what did we do then?
                                We tossed Lila outside.
Yes, that may sound rather heartless, but she was completely ruining our basement!! Also we let her into a cat carrier next to the radiator at night. She ate outside, drank outside, explored outside, played outside, killed outside. Yes, I did say killed. Days after we released her, we stepped outside to find a rather horribly killed robin on the door stoop--which poor little Ben promptly stepped in. We cleaned up the carnage, disinfected Ben's leg, and spent hours scrubbing feathers out of the welcome mat. Home sweet home. Soon after, Lila began leaving her little 'presents' all over the yard, patio, steps, doormat, and even in trees that she was fond of climbing. Her favorite kills are voles and small birds, but we've discovered a rather extensive collection, including jays, sparrows, half-developed eggs, moles, mice, snakes, squirrels, a few headless, dismembered, and generally unidentifiable creatures, and once even a baby rabbit. Needless to say, we've bought many bell collars and spare bells, and one seems to be sticking. To this day, you can find Lila prowling the neighborhood, beautiful in her tiny ferocity and really much friendlier than she was in the basement. But you had better be careful if you are a mouse.

Molly: A cat story

Hey guys, time for the second post in my epic saga of demento pets! Today I'll tell you all about Molly.

THIS is Molly:

 Molly's main problems are--One: She's pretty fat,

Two: When you pet her too much, she turns to extreme violence.


 Now the first one isn't really a problem, I mean, who doesn't like little butterball kitties? But her mini-obesity has resulted in....affectionate nicknames that we constantly annoy her with(for a period of time, she forgot her name was Molly because we called her Cow, Molly Monster, or just plain Fat.), which often result in grievous wounds. She also gets extremely irate for some reason when we tease her about her udder-see the flabby, furry lump that hangs down off her belly near her back legs. While she'd lay sprawled on the kitchen table, we'd squeal at her adorableness and take turns daring each other to dash up and touch the udder without getting maimed, mauled, or mutilated by her evil claws and needle-like fangs(yes folks, she does bite!), until her green eyes would get that maniacal gleam of fresh blood or she would unleash a low, long warning hiss of wwwwsssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! After which we would depart with heartfelt and oh so true cries of, "OH, shoot!!"
And then poor Molly, miffed, would stalk off to find a new place to sleep, preferably the fridge on which she is untouchable, and also where the food dish is conveniently located.

Yes, the reason everything is in past tense is because we stopped being so mean to poor little Molly, so now she is much nicer...........


But if you ever overstimulate her, watch out.

Julia Eager's Home For Defective Pets

Hi guys! Today (or rather over the course of many posts) we'll be covering the not-so-new topic of my many neurodic pets.

So what we'll do is: Every day I'll pick one pet to be in the limelight and give you an exclusive interview all about that pet. Oh and even though he's already had a whole post dedicated to him, Bo will probably still be appearing in one of these special 'interviews'. So today I thought we could start off with my biggest, fastest, and most faithful pet. Say hello toooooooo - Sophie!

Sophie is an eight-year-old collie-golden retriever mix and very cute. In case you've never met her, she has the color of a retriever, the dainty snout of a collie but with bigger, softer eyes, small triangular floppy ears, and is relatively small, only thirty pounds although she comes up to your mid-leg when she stands. I think being part-collie gave her extremely light bones, like a bird. And she also has a plumy long tail and beautiful, long, thick fur(when she has any.). That's right, when she has any.

Sophie's main problem is that she just chews, bites, and scratches her fur off. It seems to come in cycles - for a few months she'll have lovely thick golden fur, then bald patches, scabs, and greasy skin. It's really sad because sometimes people recoil from her when she's bald, because they don't know what a wonderful dog  she really is. This all started when she was about three years old. She was utterly adorable as a puppy, standing barely higher than a cat when we rescued her from the shelter. She kept all her fur for years, then she got one bad month of fleas, and BAM, even when the fleas were long gone, the scratching remained.

We thought it might be skin problems, because she's part retriever, and they have a long and infamous history of having skin allergies and issues. So we tried her on all-natural, no-wheat-no-corn snob dog diets, even feeding her just raw chicken at one point(hey, don't judge-we love our dog and will do anything for her!), but nothing seemed to work. Then we came to the conclusion that maybe she was bored and not getting enough exercise. So I would walk her at around six every morning and then later Ben, Emma and I would run around the yard with her, playing fetch or throwing tennis balls for her to bury under a bush. Our dog glowed with health, but the odd symptoms continued.

I am sad to say that we still haven't gotten to the bottom of our poor pup's mysterious fur loss, and we give her plenty of exercise, water, all-natural snob food, and most importantly, love. Love is the best medicine(or maybe laughter, I never was very good with those home remedies. ;)after all, so please give hope for Sophie! We love her and she loves us, no matter what she looks like.

Thing Of The Day: T.V. Rating: Not Awesome

Okay, T.V.   Today I come to you to settle a few wayward things about you that I do NOT appreciate. And I can assure you that this is not just my opinion, and that many good people agree with me on at least one of these points.

Number one: I'll start with the basics: Your name. Your FULL name. Television. "T.V." is a common abbrieviation, and most people just say "T.V." so that they're not constantly irritated by spewing a crazy word of four syllables. That's right, FOUR. What the @#**$% ? What kind of respectable object has a name that long?? Also, it's not like you're rare or precious in any way. Yeah, that's right, television, you are absolutely common and mediocre. If you look into any average American home you will see at least two televisions. Your real name suggests fancy culture and a 'high society' aspect, but the truth is, you are not special or amazing in any way......television. Hah!

Number two: Your hypnotic powers. Oh! I see you're looking surprised, maybe a bit puzzled, slightly indignant at such an accusation. You're a very good actor for an inatimate object, T.V. But I know the truth behind your innocently buzzing screen!! Your incoherent mumbling is just another small, subtle noise meant to shut down the brain and ensnare the senses in your meaningless jumble of "Modern Entertainment"! I've seen your evil forces at work. I've seen my little cousins, staring wide-eyed at the screen, my friend's 4-year-old sister turned to a listless little zombie under your controlling gaze. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not under the impression that your hypnotizing force only works on innocent little children! I've seen the adults too, sprawling on the couch, beer in hand and chips at side, not doing anything but allow themselves to be ensnared in your spell! Even I have been stuck in your enticing web occasionally! Oh, don't worry, T.V.  I'm always watching. No matter where I go, I'm always on the lookout for your evil forces at work.....

Number three: Your constant advertising. I find it very irritating to be watching 'River Monsters'(Which I only do very rarely!), and just when Jeremy Wade is about to catch the 300-pound catfish, an advertisement comes on telling me I absolutely need this new car, or this new toy, or this new _______ or this new ____
or this or this or this! You're all like, "Oh! You don't have this cute new dress yet" or "Hey! Why not go out and blow a couple hundred thousand bucks on this incredibly cool new Mercedes?" Not only is this constant babble incredibly annoying, it's also materialistic, degrading, and frankly, dangerous, because your commercials full of "perfect" people are fuel on the fire: Media has already convinced people that they need to be perfect to be accepted by society. So  "perfect" people endorsing these new products convince people to buy the junk to have a perfect house or perfect body or perfect fashion sense or whatever. In case you haven't gotten this through your evil thick skull yet, T.V., I'll summarize it very clearly: This is a bad thing. Got that yet? Okay, let's move on now.

Number four: You have no respect for traditional society. You are constantly moving on to the new wave of products or fashion in the sea of a rapidly changing world. You are willing to give up unique aspects and intense beauty to make things properly low enough for mass consumption: You don't care about ruining traditional culture if the new product is avant-garde enough to be suited for thousands of people to accept it and give you their money. Art and culture are rapidly evaporating in the face of new media!! What is this world coming to?

So. Television. I hope you learned some things from this little rant of mine:

Don't use a fake name to try and conceal your true low identity. It won't work.

It's bad to try and ensnare innocent people, whether child or adult, in your evil clutches. Also it's pointless, because I have the power to turn you off. Ha.

Advertisements are evil, irritating, and unappreciated.

Even if you're doing all in your power to defeat high art and traditional culture, I will always do my best to stop you.

And one last thing, Television. I am always watching.