Number one: I'll start with the basics: Your name. Your FULL name. Television. "T.V." is a common abbrieviation, and most people just say "T.V." so that they're not constantly irritated by spewing a crazy word of four syllables. That's right, FOUR. What the @#**$% ? What kind of respectable object has a name that long?? Also, it's not like you're rare or precious in any way. Yeah, that's right, television, you are absolutely common and mediocre. If you look into any average American home you will see at least two televisions. Your real name suggests fancy culture and a 'high society' aspect, but the truth is, you are not special or amazing in any way......television. Hah!
Number two: Your hypnotic powers. Oh! I see you're looking surprised, maybe a bit puzzled, slightly indignant at such an accusation. You're a very good actor for an inatimate object, T.V. But I know the truth behind your innocently buzzing screen!! Your incoherent mumbling is just another small, subtle noise meant to shut down the brain and ensnare the senses in your meaningless jumble of "Modern Entertainment"! I've seen your evil forces at work. I've seen my little cousins, staring wide-eyed at the screen, my friend's 4-year-old sister turned to a listless little zombie under your controlling gaze. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not under the impression that your hypnotizing force only works on innocent little children! I've seen the adults too, sprawling on the couch, beer in hand and chips at side, not doing anything but allow themselves to be ensnared in your spell! Even I have been stuck in your enticing web occasionally! Oh, don't worry, T.V. I'm always watching. No matter where I go, I'm always on the lookout for your evil forces at work.....
Number three: Your constant advertising. I find it very irritating to be watching 'River Monsters'(Which I only do very rarely!), and just when Jeremy Wade is about to catch the 300-pound catfish, an advertisement comes on telling me I absolutely need this new car, or this new toy, or this new _______ or this new ____
or this or this or this! You're all like, "Oh! You don't have this cute new dress yet" or "Hey! Why not go out and blow a couple hundred thousand bucks on this incredibly cool new Mercedes?" Not only is this constant babble incredibly annoying, it's also materialistic, degrading, and frankly, dangerous, because your commercials full of "perfect" people are fuel on the fire: Media has already convinced people that they need to be perfect to be accepted by society. So "perfect" people endorsing these new products convince people to buy the junk to have a perfect house or perfect body or perfect fashion sense or whatever. In case you haven't gotten this through your evil thick skull yet, T.V., I'll summarize it very clearly: This is a bad thing. Got that yet? Okay, let's move on now.
Number four: You have no respect for traditional society. You are constantly moving on to the new wave of products or fashion in the sea of a rapidly changing world. You are willing to give up unique aspects and intense beauty to make things properly low enough for mass consumption: You don't care about ruining traditional culture if the new product is avant-garde enough to be suited for thousands of people to accept it and give you their money. Art and culture are rapidly evaporating in the face of new media!! What is this world coming to?
So. Television. I hope you learned some things from this little rant of mine:
Don't use a fake name to try and conceal your true low identity. It won't work.
It's bad to try and ensnare innocent people, whether child or adult, in your evil clutches. Also it's pointless, because I have the power to turn you off. Ha.
Advertisements are evil, irritating, and unappreciated.
Even if you're doing all in your power to defeat high art and traditional culture, I will always do my best to stop you.
And one last thing, Television. I am always watching.
Hey, Jules, you sound like your mom!
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-the only EV
Die.
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